Kareoke will never be a sober sport
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
