the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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