I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
