If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
