I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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