woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
