i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
