Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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