God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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