So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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