Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
