True but thats because hes a fetus.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
