eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
