new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
In other news, I just burned my penis
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Randomize
