wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
