His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
