I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
