Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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