don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
