I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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