wrigley field is MILF paradise
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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