Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
