My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
