so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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