Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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