I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
