You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
