Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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