You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
