I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
