i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
