I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
