Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
