checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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