just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
We were destined to go to rehab together
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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