i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
