I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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