I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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