This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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