he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
