I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
