he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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