Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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