Non-Jews are for practice
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
