she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
