I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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