home. puking in laundry basket.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
