We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
