i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
