haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
