I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
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